2. The Mask of Truth (Season 9 Episode 9)
Read my lips – mmmhmhmhmhmmmmmtttmmmhmm.
Valentina’s choice to keep on her mask was as muddled as her speech. Whether it was because she didn’t know the words or she had just given up – Valentina’s questionable decision has led to a plethora of memes.
I’d like to keep it on, please. Years from now, Valentina will be known as the spokesperson for Trojans! Well, if anyone knows how to make Lemonade out of lemons, it’s Tyra Sanchez Valentina.
Between sheet masks, Halloween, and bank robbers – Val has inadvertently stumbled upon an entirely new market for her drag. And to that, I say – don’t take that thing out of your mouth.
DO I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY FACE?
DO I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY FACE?
1. How’s Your Head Game? (Season 9 Episode 7)
I love Trinity Taylor. There, I said it. After winning another challenge, I can safely say that Trinity is a triple threat – she can dance, she can act, she can tuck. Trinity is honestly the total package.
But what really tickles my fancy about Trinity is that she is the epitome of a pageant girl. She always has her eye on the crown – even if there’s a bomb in it. Pageant queens have been known to play mind games and Trinity is no different. Survivor fans are sure to get a kick out this one:
You see, on the fifth season, there was a girl named Heidi Strobel. She has it all – brains, brawn, beauty, backrolls.
The only issue with Heidi is that no one had a higher view of herself than she did. She was the Shannel of Survivor – but instead of 39 character illusions, it’s 39 days of the game.
Anyway, during the Jury questioning of the finalists, Heidi gives a very…interesting question. She wants them to say she’s the best player of the season, they know she wants them to say she’s the best player of the season, but that’s not what happens. And not being appreciated really…ahem…deflates Heidi.
So now back to Trinity Taylor. During this week’s Untucked, the girls brought up the issue of competition. Trinity proudly states that she sees two girls as threats – one of whom is sitting right next to her, and Shea.
As soon as those words come out of Trinity’s mouth, Valentina’s ears perk up. Like a bloodhound with the scent of
stoning tights blood, Valentina is ready to accept herself as one of the biggest threats in this competition.
Now this is where Trinity’s pageant expertise comes in. This is why there’s such an astigmatism with pageant queens – they love to play with your mind. Trinity was probably gonna say Valentina, but she knows that Valentina wants to hear her name, so she says Alexis instead.
And then Valentina Strobel deflates. Because she thinks that she’s beautiful, she’s perfect, she’s a model. So when Trinity doesn’t acknowledge it…Valentina is shook.This is how you do it, ladies; this is how you detonate a (blonde) bombshell – take notes Sasha Belle!
queens with kids is so wholesome
2. Rebel Hearts (Season 9 Episode 6)
There’s just something about Madonna that urges people to copy. Even though this runway was supposed to redeem the Madonna challenge that was an “epic fail” last season, these 10 new girls barely impressed. Despite the four repeats, a lot of the ideas felt used and overdone.
If it weren’t for Valentina stripping down, almost every outfit would have felt reductive to Madge’s style. It’s a shame that none of the judges asked if Valentina felt fully dressed with a smile – I guess they wanted to avoid another Aja outburst.
Maybe next season we’ll have Night of 1000 Madonnas: Return of the Jedi and every queen will strut down the runway in her favorite Madonna fencing costume. Raja will probably have a heart attack – time to get that crown Manila!
1. Sturdy Dancing (Season 9 Episode 5)
Remember the time when I said this week’s episode was full of sadistic moments? Remember the time when I said that RuPaul doesn’t have emotions? Remember the time when we fell in love?
As Meghan Trainor famously predicted – Eureka was eliminated but given an open invitation to return for season 10. Being the show’s first medical evacuation, Eureka’s abrupt exit came as a large shock to everyone. It’s no surprise that as she left on her crutches, everyone on set began applauding. Before this starts sounding like a Robbie Turner story ?, let’s get to where the funny begins.
You see, RuPaul is a little insensitive. In her old age, she’s forgotten how to use a gentle touch (but enough about her makeup…)
So here we are – Eureka has hobbled off stage, the queens are crying, Valentina is thinking about making this a Mujer plotline. So how does Mother Ru decide to handle this very fragile emotional moment?
It’s pretty sadistic but I don’t care. Watching drag queens try to dance with tears in their eyes as Ru lifelessly checks the song’s position on the iTunes chart is just too funny to look over.
5. La Rosa de Guadalupe (Season 9 Episode 5)
Eres perfecta, eres bella, eres un modelo, miras como Linda Evangelista…
I haven’t seen something this extra in a long time, and that’s saying something since this scene comes from the same episode where Cynthia mourns a futon. There’s something about the way Valentina addresses the situation that is so telenovela villain-esque.
Fortunately, this episode is full of moments that are funny due to the dichotomy of the two people in the scene. I never thought I would use the term ‘straight man’ when discussing RuPaul’s Drag Race but a lot of this week’s comedy involves a fun back-and-forths between two different emotional states.
Sadly, images don’t really do justice to Farrah’s sobbing while Valentina gives the opening scene of Mi Cucú Es Tuyo. Perhaps this Farrah is actually her secret evil twin and the real one is trapped in a dark room with nothing but a Clapper™.
P.S. This episode really makes me appreciate my Puerto Rican mother because the traits she passed down to me really show here. This scene shows my love for telenovelas and the mini-challenge shows my love for beautiful men. Thanks Ma!
3. I Read Storybooks (Season 9 Episode 3)
As interesting as this week’s challenge was, I do wonder how these queens would have reinvented classic fairy tales. I can just imagine Farrah Moan sitting in Ariel’s grotto crying about only having twenty ostrich feathers. Perhaps Alexis Michelle takes an Aladdin-esque approach and goes to the market to steal some cameratime? Regardless of the situation, I’m sure these queens can breathe new life into these classic tales.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who’s the smartest of them all?
If Sasha Velour had her way, this book would be entitled “Snow White and the Seven Advisors.” There’s nothing wrong with taking pride in your intellect, but there doesn’t seem to be much humor in Sasha. Dickpigs can also like dictionaries, girl!
If her country was gonna be led by a princess in a nude shoe, Michelle Visage would probably apply for political asylum. It should come to the surprise of no one that Valentina’s foot fits perfectly in the heel. Heck, it probably complimented her smile while she was checking the size.
I can’t wait until the clock strikes midnight and that carriage reverts back into Coco Montrese! Poor Farrah spent all day slaving away at her outfit and her stepsisters tore it apart. What awful people – there’s Michelle (the mean one), RuPaul (the shady one), and Todrick (the adopted one). Even if all three of them hate her though, Farrah stays strong and remembers the wise words of her fairy godmother: “this is not America’s Next Top Sweatshop.”
Take a bite out of this peach!
It’s unfortunate that the fruit in this story is meant to poison and cause sleep because that’s the antithesis of Nina Bo’Nina Brown’s personality. Still, it is suspect that she hasn’t gotten any confessionals these last two episodes – perhaps she bit herself during Week 1 and is sleepwalking through the competition. Hurry – somebody wake Nina up before she makes it to the Top 3!
Just like the movie, Eureka’s prized possession was on screen for about two minutes. Evidenced by the way she screamed when Lisa entered the workroom, Eureka shares a bond with the woman that must be (valerie) cherished.
Fun Fact: the scene where Charlie tells her to shut up was actually largely edited – Eureka had actually spent the last hour listing off the entire cast and crew of FRIENDS.
With all of those alternate fairy tales in tow, I am pretty happy about this challenge. I am still concerned about one thing though – someone check on Vivienne Pinay! All this princess talk must be hazardous to her health.
4. Pluck You (Season 9 Episode 3)
And Aja thinks we like Valentina because she’s pretty…
I don’t know much about Catholicism, but it appears that La Virgin de Guadalupe has demanded her first sacrifice. I suppose this look works for Valentina – she has one hair for every month she’s been doing drag!
This reveal is the workroom only seemed to anger Aja. I don’t know if Aja’s eyebrows this week were trying to compensate but looking at Valentina’s shaved brows definitely throw her off her game. If these two queens ever resolve their differences, they could really capitalize on their feud and host a webseries called “Two And A Half Eyebrows.”
The greatest thing about Valentina’s new look is her attempt to cover it up, though.
Her shawl looks a lot like the one Sasha used for her Lady Gaga outfit. It makes sense though – if you want the show to ignore you, just pretend to be Sasha Velour.
And that is what we call shade
3. Glamor A La Mexicana (Season 9 Episode 2)
It’s a-me, Valentina! Something that enraptures me about Valentina is her undying devotion to her background. In Trump’s America, Valentina is the exact opposite of the general public – she’s charming, she loves Mexico, she’s pretty. You better spill that diversiTee!
This episode featured a segment where Valentina spoke of La Virgen de Guadalupe, whom she considers a drag mom of sorts. For my Anglo-Saxon audience, let me explain – if Jesus is a biscuit, then La Virgen is the gravy. In case any of the other girls are feeling left out during Valentina’s prayers, I created a more Americanized version of the saint.
I do wonder how effective praising the deities is for Valentina. She prayed and won the cheerleading challenge. Does that mean that Roxxxy Andrews gave Kimora Blac a blessing to spare her from elimination?
Anyway, I can’t wait until Valentina really embraces her heritage and throws a chancla at Michelle after a bad critique. That’ll teach all of her haters – if you have a problem with a proud Latina on your television screen, build a wall and get over it.